Now I am sure that the SAS go through some tough training, but nothing compared to being a mum. I am damn sure that after completing a covert operation involving helicopters, snipers and dynamite that they sit down to a hot cup of tea and someone gives them a pat on the back. When completing my own covert operation to scale a 20ft inflatable side to rescue Harry all while being 8 months pregnant wasn’t in the plans that day I still undertook the mission and all I got was laughs as I bounced down the slide with a 3 yr old under one arm and cradling a bump in the other.
The SAS are highly trained in how to deal with being in a hostage situation & to never give out information, but this may happen to 1 in 2000 SAS soldiers in their career. This is a daily occurrence for most mums. How many times have you gone to the loo for a quick wee or dare get into the bath alone before the door of doom swings open and little terrorist appear? You are held hostage in a confined space while the interrogation of questions starts and the slow, painful torture of 25 bath toys get chucked at your head. To add insult to injury at least one of the little terrorists will then start pointing out your drooping boobs or enquire about your overgrown lady garden.
Endurance is also something we mums can give the SAS a run for their money on. They may be able to hold their breath and stay underwater to escape enemy detection but can they get up at 5 a.m after having one too many G&T’s bake & decorate a 3 tier Birthday Cake, prepare food for 10 mums & kids, host a 2 hr party & clear up all while featuring a Disney Princess style smile on your face ?? I would like to see them try !!
The SAS is known for their negotiation skills, but have they ever had to negotiate with 2 screaming kids, both with miniature trolley’s, both trying to run off in different directions in Morrisons ?? That’s before you have tried to entertain them at the worlds longest supermarket queue, all because the guy in front of you is disputing the price of his microwave lasagna for one ( It said £1.00 on the shelf and Morrisons are trying to charge him £1.15) . This is where mums win hands down to the SAS, as whatever the situation we will never crack under pressure, we may start gritting out teeth and pulling our ‘ Mummy is about to lose her shit ‘ face at the kids , but like a swan we remain cool and calm on the surface until we are out of enemy territory ( also know as back at the car ) where we place the little terrorists in restrains ( car seats ) and then slump over the steering wheel muttering four letter words under our breath and thanking God for getting out of the war zone in one piece.
Torture is also something us mums know a lot about. The SAS may be subjected to sleep deprivation for several days at a time but they have no room to talk when most of us are up to 6+ years of broken sleep. If Terrorists really want to crack our SAS soldiers they need to hire a 5-year-old to read Biff & Chip to them night after night, I guarantee by day 4 our guys will have spilt the countries secrets.
So my fellow mummies, the SAS maybe full of big & hard men prepared to die for queen & country, but they are a bunch of wet lettuces compared to us. So next time you are watching an Ex-SAS soldier on the TV, talk about his 20 years service, just remember our service to our children lasts a lifetime and no one gives us a medal.